I Choose You, Love Read online

  I Choose You, Love

  Aleona de Kama

  Austin Macauley Publishers

  I Choose You, Love

  About the Author

  About the Book

  Dedication

  Copyright © Aleona de Kama (2019)

  Prologue

  Part One

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Part Two

  Chapter 23Phillip

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33Margaret – Phillip’s grandmother

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36Phillip

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39Megan

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44Phillip

  Chapter 45Megan

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51Megan

  Chapter 52

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  I Choose You, LOVE is the first title of the author with the pen name Aleona de Kama. She is a young artist who loves to provoke readers to dive deep inside themselves in order to find the best solutions for their life challenges. She doesn’t stop asking questions and offering more and more intriguing answers in order to instigate others to make choices. Choices of love or despite love.

  About the Book

  I Choose You, LOVE is a story about love and relationships, about the trust and the need of control, about the passion, the pain and the forgiveness. It is a story about a man and a woman who go on their own paths of love despite their fears and limitations, like every single one of us. How far will they go? It’s a matter of choice.

  The plot is provocative and it keeps the attention, but it is just a basis. The true value for the reader is hidden between the rows – in the thoughts that lead us to conclusions about our own relationships, our courage, our mistakes, our ability to forgive, ‘our ability to love’.

  Dedication

  To all dreamers

  Copyright © Aleona de Kama (2019)

  The right of Aleona de Kama to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

  Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

  ISBN 9781528932172 (Paperback)

  ISBN 9781528932189 (Hardback)

  ISBN 9781528966948 (ePub e-book)

  www.austinmacauley.com

  First Published in Bulgaria (2017)

  Second Published (2019)

  Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

  25 Canada Square

  Canary Wharf

  London

  E14 5LQ

  The only way is the way of the heart

  I CHOOSE YOU, LOVE

  I will always choose you

  Forever and ever

  Prologue

  A man’s hand touches me. A strong and heavy hand. It caresses me. Tenderly and softly. All over my body. I get goosebumps. It reaches my neck. It stops there and holds me tightly. It pulls me towards him. It puts a finger on my lips and presses.

  I just let it happen. Everything in me is shaking. I take uneven breaths. I can feel his breathing on my skin. It is hot. Burning hot. I close my eyes and succumb to my sensations. Darkness engulfs me…as well as many other things too.

  I feel some warmth in my heart. Warmth that turns into fire. It becomes stronger and stronger. Then I realize that it actually melts huge blocks of ice. Huge blocks of ice that have petrified everything in me. Mostly my heart. And if up until that moment there had been a slight chance for me to stop, that chance has gone. If up until that moment, my brain had made me a victim of fear, prejudice, and restrictions all my life, now it was pushed back. A long way back. By my heart. The heart can rise like a phoenix. Because the fire burning in my body is now out of control. It is overwhelming. It reduces everything to ashes.

  However, it is not fatal. On the contrary. For a moment, I think that the pain from fear is so cruel, so unbearable, that I will not survive. For a moment, I think it will swallow me and destroy me. Nothing will be left. Everything I believed to be the most stable foundations of my life burns in front of my eyes, and that will mean the end. Then I relax my mind and let the fears pass, because I decide I have lost everything already. Still, instead of losing any feeling, as I think should happen, I feel lightness. Peace. This must be Nirvana. The fire has gone. Just like that. And after it everything is love. Pure, spacious, and colorful. Darkness, pain, and fear have gone with the fire. I have been reborn after the fire. I am Love. Where did this whole love come from? Maybe it was right here all the time.

  The sun was shining in my face. I could feel the rays on my eyelids. I felt their warmth. I was not quite ready to get up yet. But for sure, I was awake. I opened my eyes. I smiled. I felt great. My thoughts were still slow, lazy, and sleepy but I could realize that I had woken up with a smile. A great feeling. What was I dreaming? I felt some warmth around my hair when I asked this question. And then I remembered him. Again. I fell asleep thinking of him, and I woke up thinking of him too. This was getting out of control. Shivers went down my spine. I was worried, but I liked it at the same time. I liked the memory of what I felt. It was new. It was different. I was overwhelmed by my feelings. Extreme feelings. He is so different. Cool, self-confident. Dangerous. A predator. And I seem like a scared little animal around him. Where did all my self-confidence go? Where did my self-esteem of an emancipated, independent, self-sufficient young lady go? What happened to the clever, sexy girl?

  Part One

  Chapter 1

  Life is an interesting mixture of beliefs, strivings, fears, and expectations. Which way it will go depends on what we allow to take over – striving or fears, dreams or insecurity, faith or lack of support. Life is a struggle. Life is a chain of beautiful and ugly, of smiles and pain, of love and fears, of ups and downs. And, as a matter of fact, it is all one thing with different shades. And the only thing that seeks to differentiate between all of them is our ego.

  At one moment, I started to feel where things were going but I didn’t want it to stop. I categorically refused. I dismissed all the warnings of my mind and let myself go with the flow. I let myself be drawn into the eye of the storm…drown in emotions and sensations. I ignored all doubts and torments about proper and improper. I ignored all fears.

  Only when I think how many questions I had in my head�
� Zillions… What should I do? Should I do it at all? What mask should I put on? Should I put it on at all? Am I ready to open up? Completely? Am I ready to take for the risk to be hurt, to be rejected?

  Interesting how we never ask the question whether we are ready to be happy? To be loved? To be cared for? Am I ready to fully enjoy the pleasure I deserve? Am I ready to love and let someone close to me?

  So often we let reason lead our life and determine our behavior and reactions. And, as a matter of fact, the best we can do for ourselves is to feel. Feel with our heart and soul, not with our mind, what the right step is.

  I know what attracted him. I ooze sex appeal. I have always known it. This is the impact I have on men even when I don’t want it. For the most part of my life I have tried to cover the sexuality I radiate with every cell of my body. With my lips, with my moves, with the way I argue my point, with my eyes. Mostly with my eyes. But also with my scent. My energy is sexual. Primary and feminine.

  I have had many men in my life and I have felt the same with all of them. I kept my distance – at arm’s length. Many of my relations ended before we even got to the sex part. I was quick to assess the situation and even quicker to lose interest. Most often, I purposefully jumped straight to the sex bit and, if it was satisfactory, we would leave it at that. To many people this is the last base. This is when you expose yourself the most. This is when you are the closest. I don’t know when I became the type that eagerly takes everything they need from a man, not caring in the slightest about his satisfaction. Yes, sex had become the full take for me. I used to hang around men who could give me just that pleasure. And I liked the men the best for whom that was enough. We never crossed the line beyond which anything else mattered. We were not very interested in each other, in our feelings, our dreams, and our pain. Everything stayed at the primary level.

  Indeed, for many people sex is the last stage and – I know – even long-lasting relations don’t get to that level of pleasure, where there are no inhibitions and no restrictions. But for me sex is possibly the most natural thing. And it has not always been the case.

  The truth is that in my teenage years I was very insecure and shy. At one point, however, a man felt attracted to me. He destroyed all my stereotypes about sex and the pleasure it gives to a male as well as to a female. Of course, that was yet another relationship which was a full reflection of my issue with the genuine, complete intimacy with someone – it was liberating and inspirational in a sexual sense, but it did not transcend into anything different. It was a relationship where we both wanted to give everything to each other, but each one of us was so badly hurt and had such a burden to deal with from the past that the only way we believed we could deal with it was to have sex. And yes, sex was great, perfect, phenomenal. Everything else was, of course, the natural continuation of our refusal to stand up against each one’s self. We were running, hiding, seeking salvation in sex. It led nowhere. We never stopped hurting each other. Then we found each other with sex. Then we hurt each other again in order to save each other again – with sex.

  That man turned me upside down. He unlocked my sexuality. Even the way I behaved every day. It was covert before. After that relationship, I realized all my power of a woman through sex. And I started using that power everywhere. In the queue when I was in a hurry; at the office, when I wanted a project of mine to progress; sometimes just for the fun of it – to manipulate men and get what I wanted. I was so shy to say out loud what I wanted, to ask for it, that I felt much more at ease getting it through the oldest tool a woman has – sexuality.

  At one point, I realized the whole burden of that knowledge. I realized too, that my relationships over the past years had been all about sex. And that was as far as we went. Being close to the person of the opposite gender meant just having sex with him. It suited me perfectly well. I dated people whom I did not even go out to dinner with. We used to call each other up to make appointments directly in order to have sex only. Only seldom did the person of the opposite gender want anything more. And when he did, I ran away like a hurt little animal.

  It was precisely in one of those instances when I realized that I could do a lot more. It was precisely in one of those instances when I realized I deserved a lot more. Yes, I ran from close relationships on purpose because that was the way to protect myself. Letting someone too close meant exposing myself to risk. The risk of feeling pain, the risk of being rejected, the risk of being hurt in the cruelest way. However, from the bottom of my heart I felt that it was about time to face the unknown. I simply knew that it was time to part with the artificial environment I had created and look life in the eye. Be it as it may.

  So, over the past great months, it seemed I finally had a full and complete way of life. Ever since I made the decision that I was a young, beautiful and smart lady and I deserved the best in life. Ever since I quit the then purely sexual relationship in the name of a future fulfilling relationship, where I would let myself feel close, which scared me without even existing yet, but at the same time seemed so attractive… From the moment I made the decision not to look for and start only sexual relationships, from that moment my life went to a different dimension. I started to pay attention to myself, to everything I was and everything I possessed. I started taking notice of everything I wanted to be and to have. I looked deep inside, deeper than ever, and I started flourishing.

  The truth was that all this was not happening only in my mind. I started accumulating energy I could not get rid of. I started getting more beautiful and more dynamic. I started gathering the self-confidence that I could have a real relationship and that it was precisely what would make me happy. I somehow opened up to the world. My friends noticed, my family too. Even my professional relations changed completely. I smiled more, I believed more. I gained confidence not only in my own powers. I gained confidence in the world and the people around me. I became increasingly sure that finally, after so many years, I was on the right track that would lead me to the man I could trust too.

  I had made such incredible progress, and now I was running the risk of all of it collapsing. I could not believe that I was ready to betray myself, yet again, after I had gone so far, after so much effort and energy not to give in to my primary sexual instincts. But it was terribly difficult with him. He influenced me on another level. I refused to accept that I was so weak. I refused to accept that I couldn’t resist. He had not even touched me then. But I sensed him even before he came closer. The air became heavier and everything got magnetized. I could feel the charge even before realizing what was going on. Was it possible for there to be so much energy, so much sex appeal in a man? Did all women feel the same in his presence? How was it possible?

  We were at my best friend’s birthday party. Daniel. My best friend from years ago. I knew everyone in his closest circle. I knew his family; his girlfriend was actually my friend too. He had made numerous attempts to try and find me a man to tame me at last. All of them had failed, of course. I was a very demanding and stubborn piece of work, ready to do anything to avoid real closeness. So, most of the time I just tried to find the faults in men.

  It was a lovely night, no indication that it would be anything other than a peaceful summer night with friends, gathered to have some fun together. There was plenty of laughter and jokes. And yes, I had known each of the guests for years. My friends are of the type that make you relax 100%. They make you feel comfortable in their presence. You can poke fun at them and yourself, time passes easily and fast. I had lost count of the glasses of wine I had had, when I felt those shivers going down my spine. I almost thought it was getting cold as we were sitting on the patio of our favorite restaurant. But there was that slight tightening feeling in my chest. Then I realized that someone had glued their eyes on me. I could feel it before I could see it. I turned around and froze. OMG, this was the most savage, the most powerful, and the lustiest look I had ever seen. It was like shouting at me: ‘I want to tear you apart.’ I could feel he was
breathing through his mouth. I wanted his breath on me. I knew I wanted him before that thought had even crossed my mind. I wanted him closer. He drew me to him. Our eyes met. And I could not turn mine away from him. I felt that my mouth was dry. I wanted him to moisten it. I wanted to feel his kisses. Feel his fingers on my hot skin. And he wanted to tear me apart. I could see it in his hungry eyes. He wanted to have me all and grab me towards him with all his force. He wanted to destroy me. This was exactly what his look was. Destructive.

  I lost track of how long we had looked at each other like this but it all ended when his attention got diverted. A beautiful girl clung on his neck. It was worse than a cold shower. It was a cold waterfall. No, I felt like I was on the edge of the iceberg when the Titanic crashed into it. OMG, were all handsome men really taken? And OMG, was it at all possible to feel all these emotions from a look of yet another good-looking man? And that was a look from the distance. The far distance. I could still feel the physical reaction of my body from that look. I was shivering. Might it be I still needed just sex? It had been a long time since my last relationship. At that moment, I thought that, yes, the distance between us was far, but not that far. That sweet, perfect Hollywood couple was at one of our tables. Was it possible that they were part of our well-known gang?

  Just as I realized that small detail and was about to start interrogating Daniel for more, I felt a new charge of that electricity in the air. I turned around to see whether he was looking at me again and whether that energy could be so explicitly coming from that strange man, and I saw him approaching in the sexiest way possible. Before I even had a moment to think how to react, he was already glued next to me at the bar. I felt goosebumps all over my body. He leaned against the edge of the bar very close to me, although there was plenty of space around us.